Oct 4 Journal

N.A. texted me a funny comedy show clip on Friday. I was training with Kathy so decided to watch it later. That evening I replied with a comment on that clip along with another funny clip that I came across a few weeks back. I had thought of sending him this one but decided it’s not wise to break the “rule” of not contacting him spontaneously. He reacted “HAHA” to the video clip and that was it.

This morning I took M to the Seattle Aquarium and somehow I decided to send him another video clip of Gianmarco showing his elbow during a talk show. I wanted to see how I would act depending on whether he responded or how long it would take him to respond. That way, I could figure out how strong my attachment to him is.

It turned out to be a terrible idea. The first hour was fine and I thought he might still be sleeping. Then as the day went by, I started to panic. I wondered whether that piece of that video clip was really that funny by his standards, whether he would bother replying my message, whether he knew how I would feel if he chose not to reply. Then the thoughts just spiraled.

By the time E came back from the four-day business trip to Leavenworth, I had nearly lost the ability to think rationally and my body just felt tense from the inside out. With all the conversations among the nanny, parents, kids, and us, it was impossible to escape from my house and find somewhere peaceful and quiet. I told Eva I needed some time to meditate in the bonus room, which helped a bit. My heart just sank with despair and a feeling of being abandoned.

I’m writing all this down with a heavy heart. I doubt I can analyze my behavior rationally but let’s try:

  1. I tied my hope/happiness to his response; and no response is a response. I cannot control someone’s behavior, as I cannot demand one’s response within certain time frame.
  2. I question the video clip is actually funny or not; yet this is totally subjective. His ignoring the video doesn’t change the fact I find it very funny.
  3. When I did not receive his response, I started thinking random things and even looking for excuses for him (e.g. it’s still early and he might be sleeping). Such assumptions or speculation do not offer any comfort or assurance, and cannot be verified. The easiest way to find out, if I cared enough and was bold enough, to just to text him and ask what happened. This is not a good solution either, unfortunately. This is a typical example of mind keeping following thought and does not stop before it gets to a dead end.
  4. A legitimate part of this, is I wanted to get a response from him and see if he is also interested in this clip. It’s ok to be curious to find out a bit more about him.
  5. As I can only control my own behaviors, thoughts and actions (if I really could), it would be wise to not hinge my feelings and emotions to other people’s response or absense of response.
  6. It’s possible to love someone or have strong romantic feelings about someone in this way.
  7. There is no place to “escape to” to find peace and calmness. The whole idea is to process the emotions and change how I perceive and react to things internally; not to change the external world to appease the internal disturbance.